Sat apr 21st. Came back from a good day. Therapy + 2nd driving lesson (theory). 2nd week in a row chichi asks me to call so he can pick me up.. last week he made a big stink because I wanted to stay home and finish cleaning the girls' cage instead of going with him and sean to play pogo. Well, not much i guess because he was with sean. il s'est repris. this week.. i don't know.
i also don't know if this affects anything, but it's worth noting. He asks me if i noticed anything not long after getting home.. and i hadn't. so i called out "you shaved?" because he usually says that if i don't comment on the fact that he shaved. but no, it wasn't that. he bought flowers. 2 roses and 3 dwarf iris with those pretty little white flours that ppl add as fillers. so instinctively i asked what happened. since the last two, and really the only two times he bought me a rose, it was after a fight. i don't remember the first one much, but i remember him coming back and giving me a rose as an apology. the second one was when i came back after i tried freezing myself (when he said he'd take my meds if i decided to take the meds.... controlling much?) so if you never give me flowers unless it's as an apology, don't expect me to receive them without reservation. and he didn't even give them to me, they were already in a vase. and he says matter of factly that he was out pokehunting and they were just there so he picked them up.
so a few minutes later, we were heading out to go walk at the park, but instead of going to the car he's got some change and says he wants to buy a loto. we were going out, he wanted to buy a loto at the dep, so we're walking and we're holding hands and we reach the red light. the light was already red. I stopped. i didn't want to cross on the red and so i stop, he wants to continue. so i let go of his hand, and instead of letting go, he tightens his grip and tries to pull me across. (later on . the way he explains it, is that he was halfway across the street and not a car was in sight and that he was in the middle of the street) so in the process, he turns my knuckle red, i have a nice bruise on the side of my hand and my wrist hurts *on the other right side, all connected to the pinky, which is the kuckle he hurt). i didnt think he did it on purpose, but this is what he tells me. one he gets defensive, then he tells me it's "my fault" that i got hurt. and tells me not to start judging him and telling him what's right and not right just because i'm learning how to drive (or something along those lines, like not to judge him and start abiding by the rules, as though that's what this was all about.) i have been stopping at red lights, for the most part i don't even jaywalk. why? because i feel like it. and they've also started to give out tickets downtown, so all the better to get into the groove of it. but to him i'm looking down on him!). and he tells me that sometimes i cross on the side streets, not at the corner and if i can jaywalk there then i have to elsewhere. like i can't pick where i want to follow the law and when i don't. really? that's your arguement??? so obviously, while we're in the car together, i don't want to fight. and il leve le ton whenever i'm trying to say something. obviously i'm going to get upset if you tell me it's my fault if i got hurt! he says if i hold his hand we're together and i have to keep holding his hand. and if he crosses i have to cross too. so i say by that meaning if we were to hold hands and walking on a bridge and i would decide to jump off, he would have to jump off too, right? and he tells me (or yells me) no that's crazy and it's not at all the same thing!!! i see.
you know what i'm asking myself.
is this abuse? a form of abuse, however slight. and if it starts like this, how does it end? is it going to develop?
Most of the time he's sweet, supportive, trustworthy, caring, i can feel the love, dependent (in the sense that i can depend on him).
but yes there are times when he pounds things while looking at me, where he hurts me (and tells me it's because i won't understand if he doesn't show me.. like the time with the fish tank and he hurt my hand because he said if i handled the fish in a certain way it would hurt the fish and because "i wouldn't have understood, he had to show me".) i know he sometimes does du chantage emotionel. there are times where he makes fun of my weight in a mean way (not in the haha way we sometimes joke, sometimes it feels as though he's doing it to be hurtful). just like at times it feels like he's doing things to instigate. there are times when he's like a ticking time bomb, and while i've never feared that he'll hit me... i'm not so sure anymore because of something he mentioned saturday evening. so we were in the car and i wasn't saying anything because i didn't want to fight but at the same time, i didn't find what he did was right. he told me that if i want to hold his hand i have to continue holding it, and if i don't want to get hurt then i shouldn't do a power struggle with him because he'll always win, and i shouldn 't hold his hand.
so we're drivning in the car, and instead of going to the park, he goes to do a raid. and i'm not taking out my phone, at this point i'm trying to see if my wrist is just sore or sprained.. and so he asks if i'm doing the raid and i say no, and i ask weren't we going to go walking? anyways so he does his raid and tried to do another one and i think he's scowling at me but honestly i was lost in my own thoughts and then he asks if i want to go home and i say yes, without skipping a beat.
he drops me off and the goes off on his own.
you know when you hurt someone unintentionally, you apologize, right? you don;t get defensive.. it would've been over and done with by now. but i can't get it out of my heard. the way he got upset and accused me that i got hurt because of it being my fault? yep, that stays with you. and he says if it was intentional, that's when you appologize, not when it's accidental. [and another thing he mentioned like how il ne tient pas compte of the things i've done but that if i want to mention something i need to remember everything. you know how sometimes i also feel like he's playing on the "i din't remember anything, but i know i do and i remember it diffeerently, but he likes to insist that i don't remember to the point where i'm doubtig myself. yea... certain things..)]
and while we were discussing it, or rather in a heated discussion about it, or fighting, because he was very mad, "because of me bringing it back up after he had gotten over it" (he was clearly not over it). he said a few things that stick out. he kept saying why are you stretching something small into something big, and when i asked what would something big be.. he said, if i slapped you, (and j'ai cru entendre "which is what i wanted to do" right after), that would be a big deal. you and i both know what would happen if that was the case. and an apology would not be needed. he mentioned at one point, after asking me what i was thinking.. if i ever think of leaving him, to which i answered no.
he asked me what i wanted, and i said some respect and an appology. so he says if i say i'm sorry i won't mean it. and then accuses me of not respecting him and not having consideration for him, and he brings up the flowers and how i couldn't even notice that he got me flowers. and how much thought he put into buying them and what the meaning of the flowers was. and like why there were 2 roses and 3 of the other flower (which he didn't know the exact name for), but explained it as being love for the roses and i don't remember why there were 3 irises but he mentioned how it was to commemorate having had a vacation or a nice time together (i can't really rememeber what it was - just that it was so elaborate and how he went from it being nothing special (earlier on) to this whole big thoughtful thing (when he was mad).. yea, and the meaning behind the fish he bought me and how he;s never really had an interest in those fish but he did because i liked them. and how he got them because they were lively and how the state of the tanks affect us and all this stuff. and yea, i was sitting down and probably i should've stood up, maybe it wouldn't have felt so condescending. he says " fine i'm sorry", so how am i supposed to take that? you just told me if you appologize you won't mean it. but he had gone to get a can of perrier and he's sippiing it and looking down at me and tels me "so what do you want to do about this", "so are we at an impasse?" and i ask what that is, and he says that it's something we put it aside and forget about. i looked it up just now, une impasse is a roadblock, so how is that "solved"? i said maybe i used the wrong word, i meant consideration instead of respect (mind youi, both kind of go hand in hand) and i specidfied it was in this particular situation only, but he says i was reffereing to him always. and how now it meant he wasn't good enough and had to try harder and i told him. no, that's not what i said, those were attentes he was putting on himself and i'm just referring to this one time and how maybe "Respect"was the wrong word, and i was thinking it was consideration, because it was a lack of consideration and then he's like, the word you're looking for is "consideration". so it's like water under a bridge now, although we're still very much on that bridge.. and i'm remembering what happened and you know i did some reading and it's stated how if it's abuse the person doing the abusing can seem to be very loving and perfect but then it doesn't have tobe constant but there are some signs, and i've seen some of these signs. so it brings me back to something Lies said "where would you go?" don't keep your eggs in the same basket. did we move in because of the wrong reasons? he said, "you said you were going to move in with me but you never do" so instead of waiting until the summer, i did almost right away. but i never really moved everything in, and at times he gave off the feeling like he only wanted me to because it was a pain for him to drive me how on tuesdays... eventually i would have anyways. i would've brought more stuff with me. i'm still only half moved, some of my things are here, lots are still there. now his brother is living there, rent free.. and what has my ultimatum been brushed uder the rug? i know it doesn't feel as pressing because he says he'll help me out, but really will he? and we're supposed to do our taxes and it's the last week, again it passed to the last of the month. he did this last year and then he was like "oh it's too late now, we'll do this next year".. but this year he's been going on with how it better not cost him anything because of me and if i owe anything i'll have to pay him.. because he'll be sending it in.. but then last week he was going on about how it would be ok and we wouldn't have to pauy anything and it would be quick because he would do it.
you would think with all of this i'd be this crazed ball of a mess of stress, but i'm ok. no, i don't want to terminate our relationship, there are a lot more good times, than bad times. but if anything i'm more observant than i've been. i will talk to Lies.
i'm mulling over things i hear. yesterday chez Boune, they asked me who was the guy i could sleep with that he would allow (like boune has brad pitt..the one who jusmps on sofas), and i say... "a pokemon" and he says the guys who play pogo? and i say no, a pokemon monster! but they ask him and he says anyone as long as he doesn't find out and if he does, he'll kill everyone. and i'm not sure if he was kidding..
discoveries, how he tells me that as a kid he used to torture animals and he doesn't find anything wrong with it..
i don't even know anymore, i'm starting to question everything, he tells me to get an s7 because he'll pay for the phone if i do (the phone is free, but let's say i go with koodo, i still have a tab, he says he'll pay for the tab, so he'll pay for my phone.. i didn't ask him to.. but he got mad at me about it. that's fine, was my hand thing a premeditated thing? he says it's not but i'm not sure with how much of a big deal he made out of it.. i'm thinking it would be better if we stop talking to each other as we do. no more bitch or whatever, because it's too easy to be pushed in the wrong direction. (the s7 thing happened before the hand thing...)
